WELCOME TO BIRGFUT
Birthdays, down to a science.
Classified, Confidential, and Strictly Celebratory
“At the heart of every celebration is joy. At the heart of joy is science. At the heart of science is the letter ‘e’.”
- Dr. R. Abona, 5* Scientist at BIRGFUT
WHAT IS A BIRGFUT?
If you’re reading this, you’ve just joined the Bureau of Independent Revelry and Gatherings For Ultimate Team. Or, conversely, you’ve found this by accident in which case we’d ask you to kindly see yourself out, delete your internet history, destroy your computer or mobile device, wash your eyes with warm water, and forget we exist.
Where were we? Oh yes, welcome! The science we do here at BIRGFUT has been the foundation for 14 years of FUT Birthday celebrations and joy across Ultimate Team since its illustrious inception. We’re so pleased to have another brilliant mind in our secret corner of EA SPORTS.
WORKING AT BIRGFUT
One of our employees once said “This is the most fun job I’ve ever had.” And get this—they used to work at a restaurant with a ball pit. That’s because we live by a few simple rules.
- Engineering fun should be fun.
- Anyone is capable of 5* skills.
- No live goats are allowed in the lab at any time.
Lab Test:
WEAK FOOT EXPERIMENT #2
Hypothesis:
A weak foot can become a strong foot.
Test:
Give right footed players two right boots.
Results:
Inconclusive (and reportedly “uncomfortable”).
Mathematical Proof:
THE TRICYCLE KICK
Hypothesis:
The existence of the bicycle kick implies the existence of a tricycle kick.
Test:
Study volumetric capture of overhead specialist REDACTED’s famous bike against REDACTED for clues of a ‘third wheel’.
Results:
Conclusive. See proof here.
R&D Department:
A 6* SKILL MOVE
Hypothesis:
There’s another star out there somewhere.
Test:
Assemble the best skillers in world football (REDACTED, REDACTED, and REDACTED), two professional dancers, a mathematician, and the “Double Rainbow” guy.
Results:
The world isn’t ready.
Microbiologist of the Month:
DR. JOÃO FÉLIX
Please join us in celebrating the person who went above and beyond this month on the eve of the 14th FUT Birthday—Dr. João Félix. His groundbreaking DNA research has helped us sequence 5* skills, changing how we strengthen Player Items and making 5* upgrades a simple swab away.
On an unrelated note: we’re missing one cupcake for his upcoming MOTM celebration. Please contact us with any information regarding its sweet whereabouts. It looks like a cake but small.
WATCH BEFORE STARTING
Our team is always growing… tiny Spanish maestros in our patented Pedri Dish. Oh, and we’re also hiring! If you’re one of the new recruits, please watch the orientation video below to understand what you’ll be doing here at BIRGFUT.
REFER A FRIEND (DISCREETLY)
BIRGFUT is always looking for bright, festive minds to join our ranks. If you know someone who loves celebrating occasions, doing rigorous science, and keeping secrets, tell them to apply today. But don’t tell them what we do, that part is a secret. Until they join. Or interview. We’re still working out how the growing a secret organisation works.