Ask a Zombie: Gift Guide Advice

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Dear Zombie,

 

What DO you get for the man (or woman) or child who has everything?

 

Signed,

Needs to Know Now

 

Dear Needy,

 

Zombie not gonna take the easy way out on this one (easy way out = "get them nothing if they have everything they should be giving you something").

 

Anyway Zombie got a whole store full of stuff to give to peepulz what are unpossible to buy for. Okay, that only half true. There a bunch of plant stuff in there too. Do not buy none of that. Unless you not like the gift getter. Then give them lots of stupid plant stuff. 

 

But make sure you not buy any plant stuff. No sunflower coffee mug or sunflower t-shirt or a cuddly squash.

 

yrs,

Zombie

 

 

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Dear Mr. Zombie,

 

I am hosting the family holiday gathering this year, and I have a bit of a problem. Among the guests will be two vegetarians, one vegan, one gluten-free, one lactose intolerant, and one who can’t abide the smell of cinnamon in the air. How do I accommodate a large group of people with such disparate needs?

 

Sincerely,

Hostess with the Mostess

 

Dear Ms. Mostess,

 

Prolly depends on what kinda party you want to have. Or if you want to have the party at all. One option is to make a whole bunch of roast beef and Swiss cheese sandwiches. That probly gonna make a lot of guests cranky but then there is good chance you won’t have to host the party next year, so there is that.

 

Zombie think your only choice is cabbage soup. Cabbage soup for all! Maybe add beans if anybody demands protein. But then you have to have dinner with the windows open and if you don’t live someplace hot that going to be a problem. This dinner party getting worse by the minute. But it might make roast beef and Swiss cheese sandwiches seem like a good idea for next year.

 

Final option is to just get new family. This bunch seem like a lot of hassle. Zombie not even know how to address whatever person “can’t abide smell of cinnamon in the air.” Uninvite that one quick. Unless you can alter molecular structure of cinnamon so it smells like something else.Can you do that? Can you?

 

yrs,

Zombie

 

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Dear Zombie,

 

What should I get my mom?

Did you lose a toe?

 

-Citrus Hunk

 

Dear Hunk,

 

How about certificate (suitable for framing) admitting that you failed as a son becuz it is less than a week from Xmas and you still not know what to get for your mom. No? Okay then. How about one of them blankets what has sleeves. You don’t have a lot of time so you might as well get something that says “I did not spend any time thinking about this!”

 

Did Zombie lose a toe? Yes. But it was one Zombie found on the sidewalk so easy come easy go. If you find it you can keep it.

 

yrs,

Zombie

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Dear Zombie-

Once, when I was little, I believed in Santa Claus. But now that I’m older, I don’t. However, I think I saw someone dressed in red wandering around on my roof near the chimney. Should I be worried or excited?

Thanks for the advice-

 

Steve Strange

 

What up, Doc?

 

Zombie pretty sure Sanity Clause only come on December 25 so if there is some dude on your roof it is probably a ninja. Maybe Krampus. Anyway, close the flue just in case. You do not want no part of either one. If you has some sort of amulet that nothing evil can bask in the glow of for long you might want to keep that handy.

 

yrs,

Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

 

Does the “tradition” of gifting someone a fruitcake still exist? And if so, why?

 

Probably Adam

 

Dear Whoever,

 

Zombie not sure why you put ironic quotes around “tradition” and not “gifting.” Or “fruitcake.” Why you not just “give” someone something? Why you hafta “gift” them a thing? Zombie bet you also say “utilize” instead of “use.” Better you not get all fancy britches on Zombie.

 

Anyway, fruitcake thing still exist because stand-up comics still talking about it. Oh and that one bunch of monks keep making them. If you can get one of them monk fruitcakes you is in business. Otherwise Zombie suggest you use it as a footrest or a very heavy hat.

 

yrs,

Zombie

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Dear Zombie,

 

What are you plans for the Mayan Apocalypse? Seems like wiping out all life on earth might be bad for your dietary interests.

 

Stay safe,

Alexis

 

Dear Alexisese,

 

Okay, this one not strictly holiday question but it sorta timely so here goes.

 

Zombie not too worried about it. If all life on earth wiped out, what Zombie having for lunch is not high on list of Zombie problems. Also, Mayans have terrible predicting things record. They totally called Citizen Kane for Best Picture Oscar in 1941. You know what won? How Green Was My Valley. Mayans not even see that one coming! So everybody just calm down.

 

yrs,

Zombie

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Help Zombie start the New Year off right.

Send your questions about life, love, and heating and air-condition repair to:

ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com

 

You’ll be glad you did. And so will Zombie.

See all Zombie Advice Columns.

 

Also, if you asked or don’t know and are still reading, Plants vs. Zombies 2 will be out in 2013.